What are the resources we may take for granted? Often, having earth under our feet and a roof over our head is something we barely even think about. Familiarity breeds contempt. Our vision stretches so far down the road to imagined “somedays” that we are impatient with “today”. It seems so modest, so ordinary. It isn’t until we really consider the people and places that have “always had our back” that we even form the words, “thank you.” Part of the reason we may lose interest in our humblest resources is that we’ve done nothing to deserve them. It’s embarrassing to admit there are resources we have no control over, that may come to us by virtue of where we chance to live, or work, or who we’re related to. It makes sense to add them up and give thanks for them right now. Sometimes we find that we can assume the reins of these neglected resources after all; sharpen them up, improve them, modify them into part of our lifeplan after all. A good example is the rude health that often comes to all of us simply as part of our youth. We can’t rely on that forever! Are there ways that we abuse good health, good sleep, warm familial connections and may even be unconsciously reducing our future opportunities of enjoying them? Let’s make them part of our conscious plan today and stop taking them for granted. What if it’s the Earth itself what we’re hungry for? It makes sense, doesn’t it? We’re trying to seek nourishment from and rest in the cradle of Earth, our mother. It follows then that our hunger won’t be slaked by “fake” food, over-processed food or impostors. Viewed this way, our hunger on the gut level joins the same quest for The Real, The Honest and The True that we’ve been seeking in art, love and politics. Some lucky people enjoy experimenting with cuisine – I just want to roast or steam everything for as few seconds as possible, spice it up and then just get the heck out of the kitchen. But obviously there’s a way for both approaches to find success. After all, it’s a proven fact that the less you cook fruits, vegetables and proteins the better its nutrition. Still, experimentation is the main way the chef tackles the problem of boredom. This “ho-hum” grumpiness is really a wider dissatisfaction with “same old same old” that can be quenched by travel, experimenting with rarer, stranger produce and recipes, and eating food with beloved others. A night out can be a happy event! But some times what we’re suffering from is the short-sightedness of taking the bounteous harvest of the earth for granted. When was the last time we actually gave thanks to the world for the food we eat? It’s foolish to fail to appreciate some vital blessing until it’s just a memory. Maybe some of this restlessness has been “guilt” all along, and as we all know, confession is good for the soul. “I’m thankful”
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In the well-known prayer we request the ability to “change the things we can change and to accept the things we can’t change “and for the wisdom to know the difference.” This is not just a question of “picking our battles” and learning not to “tilt at windmills” but of Self-Knowledge: knowing ourselves – deeply and thoroughly. What is possible for us? What’s a stretch – but a healthy stretch? We all know we need some taking “out of our comfort zone.” What will the “discomfort zone” feel like? Ego death? We’re also familiar with the idea that once we make a resolution there’s a difficult period where the work we’re given feels hard, unfamiliar, even hopeless. “Wisdom” is knowing that period will have an end. “This too must pass” is the common phrase. Wisdom means we can begin to rely on ourselves: ”I always get discouraged at this point. By tomorrow I’ll feel better,” or “When I’m down in the dumps is not a good time to make a new plan. One foot in front of the other.” And tomorrow’s a new day. It always is. The “snake in the garden” asks Adam and Eve, “Is THIS all there is?” In other words, this is a voice to be IGNORED. Trial and Error are what give us the Wisdom to know the difference. Isn’t our fear of discomfort really a problem with mortality? We fear we will be destroyed by the massiveness of our need. If we are serious about ridding ourselves of a protective layer, we will need to confront what it feels like to be a little hungry. There are at least two versions of that experience – the psychological and the physical, of which the first is much more threatening. Prayer, tea ceremony, meditating or listening to fulfilling music can carry us through. But in the psychological contest we are up against the wiliest opponent, ourselves. Journaling is the best weapon here, even if we are just speaking into a microphone. I concentrate on making “hunger” my spiritual experience that connects me to every soul on this planet, or who has ever been on this planet. It is THE universal experience, and after all, in our case, it’s time-controlled. We will have a “fasting break” soon. But rather than concentrate on that, reach out mentally to all the other hungry people in this world. What can we do for them? “The Light in Me Honors the Light in You”
We are all Worshippers. It is easy to understand how this star became a deity to the ancients as it warms and replenishes us into activity and strength. Turns out we are energized by solar power, just like reptiles. Doctors and cosmetologists tell us to “stay out of the sun” and get our Vitamin D in a pill but we ignore them, drawn by the need to sun ourselves, eyes closed on the nearest rock while our planet perpetually circles this fiery blaze. therefore represents in our lives nourishment which could make us stupid should we over-indulge. “Everybody does it.” We punish ourselves with the unending fantasy that life is happening elsewhere, some cruel party raging without us, a night whose morning never comes, but we know in our deepest souls that can’t be true. On the contrary, “everybody” is trying to get a handle on their raging appetites, and anyone who can is envied. Our acquaintance is littered with bodies crippled and the dead, those who stayed in the heat too long, moaning, “I just can’t change” and “I don’t want to live if I can’t live exactly the way I want.” This is the raving of toddlers who refuse to go to sleep, unaware that tomorrow brings new promises of fresh and totally unforeseen excitement and discovery, precious treasures we will someday look back on as lifetime achievements, heirlooms to “pass down” to the people we love; those three magic words: “you can do it.” Light & Truth – Light defeats darkness.To understand what this means we need to shed any “nocturnal prejudices” we may have and concentrate on light as the necessary enabler of Sight. In total darkness we are at a loss; we see nothing. To “shed light” on a problem means to finally “see” it for what it is. Light, in other words, is knowledge. Understanding. We finally get it! It’s the “forehead clapping” moment when the “magic picture” resolves itself into shapes that make sense. Without this basic road map we are unmoored - can make no meaningful plans. Light, then is the Beginning of Intelligence. It helps us to see each other for what we really are; so we can forge meaningful connections, create meaningful plans and map out shared goals. Even the blind can feel the importance of Light – and all of us are partially blind in one way or another. But it is what we can “see” –and share – that matters. Light & Truth:“There are none so blind as those that will not see.” Certain types of blindness are curable, others are surmountable. But without willingness for healing, what healing is possible? A stubborn insistence that “I’m all right” and “I’m fine” when you are NOT all right and NOT fine becomes a problem worse than whatever the original problem was. We must shine the honest light of truth on this dilemma. First we need to know what healing is so that we can commit to it. Healing is freedom from compulsive behaviors. We then must be honest with ourselves about what we are doing and why: journaling, recording, sharing to keep ourselves accountable. The “truth” we seek is the love of the right way, wanting to enjoy and congratulate ourselves not on “gaming” the system; “cheating” and getting away with it; but by loving and leading a purer, higher life. “I cherish truth” The Moon and the Sun have nothing in common. The Moonis a planet, the Sun is a star. The Moondoesn’t give light; it reflects light; we can well imagine it is tired of being compared to the Sun. Seems an unfair fight! The Moonis our hostage, as it circles us slowly. Balefully. Oh, it has its worshippers. I mean, which would you rather be, Moonstruck or Sunstruck? You can recover from The Moon. The Moonseems manageable; Earth humans have visited it many times. The Moonis symbolic; vital for poets; unavoidable for lovers. The Moonis the Planet for people who like to sneak around. The Moonmanages our tides, but subtly. Cruelly. She is the Queen of passive aggression, or imitation.
At first “imitation” seems to offer only pale substitutions for The Real Longed-for Thing, just as the moon can be only a silver echo of the Sun’s gold. But when we are recovering from first degree burns caused by our seemingly absolute inability to get away from the raging fires of indulgence what we can’t see is that the “Real Thing” longed for is the finality of Death itself. Always the dead will call to us. But “Life” is where we flourish, once we access the power of living in the Now. Contrasting reality with blissful fantasy we sometimes deliberately turn away from the Power of Now. Give yourself the soft silvery embrace of the Moon; let’s not dwell on memories of sunburn among the ghosts. The Subtle Power of Influence: There are two ways to accomplish anything: full-frontal or “sneak attack.” This knowledge, so dear to military strategists, is one of the first things we discovered as children. You rarely get what you want simply by asking for it. Instead, you must study “the target” and determine likely responses. As children, we usually realized it helped if “target” was in a good mood! Bad mood targets say “no” to everything. But there is also “weather” in the world of grown-up desire and accomplishment. It’s much more difficult to “take off” in a storm. The Moon is visible entirely by borrowed light, but that’s the least important thing about her. Her power may be invisible, but we can feel it in our bodies! Sometimes in order to achieve our desire we must prepare our target to even hear us. Jesus illustrated this brilliantly in a series of parables anyone would understand. When he was asked a question, he’d tell a story whose moral was obvious. He allowed seekers to answer their own questions by determining what “paradigm” they were in. Plotting the “weather” and analyzing the “players” tells us much of what we need to know when planning to move forward. It can be admirable to lay all our cards on the table, or it can be foolhardy. We’ve been given complex brains. Let’s use them to think strategically. Why isn’t this easier? This isn’t easier because it’s “worthwhile” and nothing worthwhile is easy. The innocent map we construct in our heads bears only the most rudimentary relationship to the rugged terrain we are about to encounter. We need to learn to love difficulty itself. It makes our mettle. Without pushback, how can muscle develop? We need plenty of muscle if we are to go far. Difficulty is the subtle province of the moon, which rules a world where vision is limited (or impaired) and the tides in our bodies – our very lymph and blood – are roiling, changing and rolling back and forth. But let’s set off anyway. Our Moon is a laughing moon – we’re going to smile our way through all these surprises, delighted by the endless mystery: “I never saw THAT coming! Go figure!” We’re going to pick ourselves up and keep going. Because success is not about how hard you fall but how high you bounce. “Reality is enough”
Here’s a question for you:Why am I my own worst enemy? As we sleep, sometimes it seems our dreams will frighten us to death. By daylight our torturer is subtler. We find ourselves involved in lengthy diatribes and rationales about why we can’t stick to our plan or how we’ve suddenly become more disabled or less competent than we’d ever dreamed. Dreams are “what if” and we have no trouble imagining the worst. Question #1 evolves into question #2: who’s driving this bus? Like a poorly maintained computer our hard drive is replete with ancient longings, processes and downloads that never served us well and that we need to delete. If we want to drive our own lives we must forcefully initiate (and re-initiate as long as necessary) the idea that our “soul content” -- who we “really” are is the most positive, intelligent and committed self we can summon up, and not the crippled scaredy-cat our dreams threaten. We need restorative sleep and relaxing emotional and spiritual nourishment, so we must inaugurate healing night-time ceremonies before we step over the edge from conscious to unconscious. Let’s learn to trust, not fear ourselves. We have been “treating” the frightened child within by offering compulsions and addictive substances: now we will make a conscious effort to offer our inner child real nourishment, real healing and real comfort and not the worst night terrors a “free” culture can throw at us. If we need a friend’s counsel, we will get it; we will avail ourselves of professional help if that’s what we need. Because we are worth it. Once we have freed ourselves, we can go wherever we like. Even a journey pursued only in dreams is a journey worth having. Trusting ourselves is the most important aspect of true mental freedom. That feeling of being out of control, “programmed” from the outside by malicious forces – the sense that some horrible robot self might suddenly take over and we will be forced to watch ourselves performing unwilled acts our very soul rejects is the terror that sent us on this journey to begin with. We will never be “cured” because no one can be “finished”. Our imperfection is life itself. Our imperfection is our beauty. But we can set ourselves free to accept each moment’s breath and each moment’s joy. “I am free”
RETREAT DAY 18 – Ambivalence: It is human to want two conflicting and contradictory things at once. Whenever we “choose” something, we give power to its opposite. We still “want” the abandoned and neglected thing: perhaps more than ever now that we can no longer “have” it. This doesn’t hurt us so long as we’re aware of it. Expect the path not taken to rear up in our dreams and stake its claim to our life. When seen, dismiss: “In another life, on another planet.” Each time we make this statement we diminish its force a tiny bit. The worst thing we can do is become its advocate: “Why can’t I have both?” If we make that mistake we are setting up a vicious circle of longing for the way not chosen; we decide we are more about the bad choices than the good ones: “I just can’t help myself.” Speak the words “Begone. You have no power over me. I have not chosen you.” Every time we say them they become a little bit more true. We have the right to become good souls by design, not monsters controlled by appetite. LifeKoan #19: Ambivalence:How can we want something enough when part of us doesn’t want it at all? One of the commonest life-change sabotages is “changing our minds”. This morning our goal felt important but by 4 PM it seems ridiculous. The real problem is that we are not the same person at 4 that we were at 8. A different “part” of ourselves has taken control. Psychologists say our Higher Self – let’s call it the SuperEgo - is only in charge occasionally. The rest of the time it’s our Id, that childish pack animal who’s usually on top. And you can imagine how the Id feels about restrictions on its behavior! The Id is convinced it needs all its addictions just to keep going. And where is the SuperEgo when the going gets tough? So the problem, it would seem, is trying to be the same consistent personality all day long! It would be easier to re-engage our SuperEgo than to re-educate our primitive Neanderthal of an Id. We summon up the SuperEgo by engaging in superior pursuits; prayer, thought, higher art. Sometimes just re-reading our goals will get us through. “I have not chosen you”
We were very young when first we became aware of . No happy moment, no celebration of joy is entirely unaffected by its subtle miasma. But what is it exactly? Much of personal and public history is absorbed by the effort to put some name to this lurking angst. Demonic forces, bad dreams, animals, reptiles, insects, The Invisible – anything deemed “foreign” has been stigmatized by this label. Is this hard wiring at work? Philosophers tell us that all we feel is the inherent fear of death. Perhaps all we have to fear is Fear itself, as the President put it. But who would willingly wish to walk fearless through this dangerous world? Isn’t it better to be prepared and take appropriate care? A great man once advised us to be as wily as serpents and as gentle as doves. The knowledge that joy is fragile heightens its ecstatic power. Without this triple vision of past, possibility and future, courage itself would be impossible. In medieval times this “shadow” was represented by The Grim Reaper, complete with cape and scythe, reminding us that the party would soon be over. We are warned to “Take care” by friends and loved ones; against what exactly? Doctors tell us to be vigilant about our health while at the very same time they mock hypochondriacs. There are people who never “take care” and who insist that suspicion itself creates the monster, but on the whole, these people are not enviable. They reject cultivation of a “sixth sense” we’re all born with. For those of us committed to exploring all our senses suspicion shadows joy as doubt shadows faith. Like taste testers cultivating knowledge of the edge between sweet and sour we “feel” for the “turn” of the tide. The better to avoid it? Possibly to control it? At least to get an image – however brief – of the Thing that has been following, following? Revelers need particularly to arm themselves with some sense of when “just enough” turns into “too much.” Being “sated” triggers a drowsy, relaxed, state in which our “guard” is down. We do lose consciousness of that quiet little “friend” following. Following. In a card spread The Shadowsymbolizes a problematic development just coming into perceptive range. “I can see in the dark”
Behind our deepest pleasures lies a shadow. Winter’sforce is shrouded, subtle. Important changes are happening beyond our vision. The snowshoe rabbit changes fur to pure white for protection; he doesn’t have to think about it; it just happens. Other creatures work a little harder. RETREAT DAY 16: DORMANCY: Under the surface much is happening, but little may be visible. (Psychologists call this “latency”.) Winter bears a real similarity to the state we call “sleep.” We yearn for sleep, even find it exciting, and researchers are constantly uncovering more benefits that it provides. It seems to “clean” our brains the way winter “cleans” the world! Winter has its own exotic creatures, the polar bear, the snow leopard, the precious ermine. These creatures seem magical to us as they make a living on the harshest landscapes. “Dormancy” is a necessary phase for anything living thing. All our energy is being conserved for maximum growth. We must ask ourselves: what is growing? Is it a long desired consummation or some threateningly impossible monster? We must remind ourselves that explorers saw the same “ice” bear we consider so adorable as a “monster.” Melville’s deadly whale was “white”. Perhaps beauty and monstrosity are opposite sides of the same coin. What is happening to us? What do we wantto happen? Is our unconscious “for” us or against us? Jung said when we analyze our subconscious, it analyzes us: a marvelous phrase suggesting growth is a back-and-forth tennis match between our known and unknown selves. “Winter” gives us a chance to greet the unknown self and cuddle up with her. Much to think about! Winter = Dormancy:At the beginning there is not much happening to the casual view. We have committed, we are excited about our project, we can envision the celebrations at the end but before we get to that there will be a long slog of rewiring our brains and saying “no” to our cravings. We are like the kids with the long frustrating night to get through before Christmas morning arrives. What can we think about? This is a good time to be alone, to meditate, to listen to positive tapes about change, to read encouraging books. To journal not just about our exciting future, but about the frustrations and mistakes of the past. If one of the reasons that we want to be a new person is that we don’t like ourselves very much we need to think about that. Because the rejected self won’t go away so easily. The shadow self doesn’t give up without a fight. “I think, I plan, I strategize.” 15.This card says, “Look out”. Danger can be hard to recognize. It comes in forms we have never seen before; sometimes in forms no one’s ever seen before. Luckily we are hardwired to be wary. That doesn’t mean we will always be safe; Dangeris a clever chameleon, prone to snares and disguise. But it does mean we should never put our “Danger perceptors” entirely to sleep the way some suitors demand as an unnecessarily lavish display of trust. You will find those demanders are holding back a few cards themselves, sometimes for “our own good” but always for their own good.
RETREAT DAY 15: DANGER – Today we will examine “pushback”. While planning ways to intensify our presence in the world we must think about how much cooperation can we expect from the “universe”? Damn little! And why is that? Status quo? Inertia? Entropy? Too many dancers and too few partners? All of the above? In trying to create change are we water flowing downhill seeking a path “of least resistance” or are we more like an exhausted marathoner stumbling up a steep hill (in bad weather!) What will “resistance” look like and where will it come from? Most importantly, how will we react? Marathoners must conserve their strength. This course is unfamiliar: we have no idea what traps, snares and pitfalls lie ahead. How can we arm ourselves? One technique is to try not to take all this pushback personally. To do so might waste precious emotional resources. We see others as preventing us from getting ahead, they see us threatening their place in the world. “Resistance” may even be “blind” through Acts of God, devolution and just plain bad luck. We’re all familiar with the cataclysmic damage “being in the wrong place at the wrong time” can inflict. But if we are determined to move forward we have committed ourselves to motion. Let us then “enlighten” and educate our own intellects, studying what we might expect and strategizing how we can protect ourselves. What if the only way up is down? The blindness of our headlong flight towards self-perfection threatens our achievement. If we deliberately try to “vault” over the “tough stuff” we may find ourselves stymied by unconscious sabotage from our most mortal enemy: ourselves; or that ultimate nemesis, The Power of The Group. Every step of this journey must be considered and every moment assessed and savored. We must not be surprised (or scared) by the stinky gaseous burps bubbling up from the preconscious, subconscious and unconscious aspects of our hastily assembled personality. Even the “collective unconscious is “against” us; why should the “soul of the group” cooperate while we redesign and individuate our single self into uniqueness and personhood? This is a battle for autonomy against Nature Herself, who only asks that we reproduce and die; she does not care for our retroactive engineering. But if we plan to detach from muck and soar we must muster our forces at the same time we are figuring out what they are. Joseph Campbell said each hero must fight her own dragon; I say they are multiple dragons in multiple guises. To each we proclaim; “I will lead my own conscious life.” HALT is the acronym cherished by recovery experts – don’t allow yourself to get too ANGRY, LONELY or TIRED. Or you will no longer be in control of yourself. Your id will lash out, and based on past damage, you can imagine exactly how. There is something seductive about “giving up”. We can try to arrange our lives to void the Four Dangers, but how about the siren song of despair, especially when it promises longed-for abandon? There’ s no way around it – we have to start putting ourselves first. This is going to take practice; there’s a real prejudice in our society about people – especially women – who put themselves first. Think of the oxygen mask aboard the plane – if you can’t breathe, you can’t help anybody. “Self-care time” needs to go right on your calendar.
Retreat Day 14: Interpersonal Relationships:Let’s think about our interpersonal relationships as a series of concentric circles. There are people on the outmost rings whom we recognize but exchange no words with and know nothing about, down to the closest, tightest ring, where we maybe know too much about those people, possibly feel stifled, even a bit unchallenged by their presence in our lives. And our closest relationships may merge into our own space, and we can’t tell where we end and the other person begins. What does it take to become our friend? Are there once close people whom we have banished to the outer distance? How did that happen? Any people we long to bring closer who seem stubbornly resistant to our charms? Do we notice any pattern in the way we relate to others? A favorite game therapists play is “Find the Father/Mother”. In other words are we recreating any original family dynamics with other people we may know? (Critic, sugardaddy, permission giver, etc.) This game can be extended to “Find the Sibling” as we study ways we may be competitive or conspiring against a “common enemy” with fellow workers or even friends. The goal of this enterprise? Be more conscious, less rigid. Work” this circle, don’t let it “work” us. “I love to learn!” |
Alysse AallynAlysse Aallyn is a poet who sees tarot as a key to accessing the unconscious. She is the author of four well-received thrillers, Find Courtney, Depraved Heart, Woman Into Wolf and I’ll Sleep When You’re Dead, one historical novel (Devlyn) and a book of short stories (Awake Till the End.) She has three published books of poetry – The Sacred Quiver, TheHot Skin and The Five Wounds and edited another (The Feathered Violin.) She trained in theatre at Circle in the Square Theatre School and Martha Graham School of Dance. She appeared in the part of Isabella in Jean Giraudoux’s The Enchanted at the New Yorker Theatre. She has held writing fellowships at Brooklyn College and LaSalle University. Her novel Depraved Heart won a 2011 CT Press Club fiction award and her play Queen of Swords was a semi-finalist in the 2014 National Arts Council First Play award. She has been invited to read her original work at The Folger Shakespeare Library in Washington, DC and has taught creative writing at Catonsville Community College. Woman Into Wolf was a semi-finalist for The National Playwrights Conference (2016) and her play Our Father’s Restaurant was performed on Pacifica Radio. She has also appeared as a crime commentator on ID - TV’s Blood Relatives.Her play, Let’s Speak Vietnamese was published in Dramatika Magazine. She directed The Maids for Theatre Upstairs in Columbia, Maryland. Other plays she’s written are The Honey & the Pang about Emily Dickinson’s posthumous career, Cuck’d– a modern Othello, and Caving, in which the theatre is transformed into a cave for a spelunking dare. Rough Sleep, (based on her novel I’ll Sleep When You’re Dead) was produced by Manhattan Repertory Theatre (W. 45thSt) in 2019. Her latest play, The Dalingridge Horror, (short version Leonard & Virginia) explores the partnership between Leonard & Virginia Woolf in their own words and was a finalist for the Tennessee Williams 2021 award. Her newest poetry collection, Haunted Wedding will be appearing in 2022 from Thriller Library. Archives
September 2022
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